To Know Him...

My number one dream as a child was to be a wife and mother. I don't know when exactly I started thinking and dreaming about it. Probably around the time I started wishing I was a Disney princess or Blossom from the Disney channel?!? Either way, I really cannot remember a time when I didn't desire those two rolls. Now, that I am a wife and mother I realize that they are two of the hardest rolls in a woman's life. It can be so easy to go throughout a day, and not even once think about God's hand on my life, or his desire for me that day. I mindlessly go through the tasks of the day, waiting for a second to sit down, read a book, check my FB, make a phone call, or write a grocery list. I am waiting for that snippet of down time or a clam moment to collect my thoughts. In reality my life is not all that busy, and I could easily remove much of the "noise". Although, I feel I may have come to depend on that "noise". I can use it a diversion to quieting my thoughts and heart before the Lord.

My husband, Kirk and I were talking the other day about hearing God's voice. We both were sharing times where we felt we so clearly heard God's voice it felt almost audible. It made me reflect on the last time I had come before the Lord, and instead of throwing at him my list of wants, desires, and favors, I sat quietly before Him, pouring myself out, to be filled with Him. In having this conversation with my husband I believe I heard God's voice, calling me back to quiet moments with Him. Stop trying to be a Martha, and to sit before Him as a Mary. I so often feel I need to be the most awesome mother around, to take my children to every educational experience, or activity to make sure they have all the opportunities in life. I think instead I can be a much better mother if I sit before the Lord, and allow Him to transform me. To allow him to show me the areas in my life where I need brokenness. I think the rolls God has given me, are more to change my into his image than to make me happy or to give me my best life now. So my prayer this day for each lady is that we would quiet our hearts before the Lord, and seek to be changed by Him.

“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he has clothed me with the garment of salvation, he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Isaiah 61:10 NKJV

Praise He who is on high...

Olivia was scheduled to go to the cardiologist on Friday morning for her 6 month check-up and I had to go alone this time because neither Kirk nor my mom could take off work. Any appointment with 2 babies under 2 is stressful so I geared myself up to go, complaining all the way in the car as I went. I had such a bad attitude that morning and I was silently cursing the people who design parking lots as I found a space, almost a mile from the door. Once inside the office, I had to hold down Olivia so they could take her blood pressure, weigh, and measure her...all while trying to convince her that it's totally normal and that she shouldn't cry, yet love the snow white sticker she'd been given. Finally, we were placed inside the room and were waiting for Olivia to have her echo, the procedure that examines her heart through an ultrasound and feeds the results to the cardiologists (it's all very fascinating!) Almost an hour and half later, we see the doctors face and I am totally prepared for the worst, Olivia had been having some issues lately with turning blue at various times, and I had even spoken with the doctor recently about it. So I braced myself as he breathed in, a serious expression on his face. He smiled at me and almost like it was no big thing he says to me" good news" I couldn't even find a problem on Olivia's echo. The valves seemed to have returned to normal. and I can't even hear a murmur when I listen to her." I sat there for a long pause and then said "huh, what?" he repeated himself, and the information he was giving me slowly sank in, this time he made sure to tell me that he has only seen this "sort of thing" happen with a few patients in his 25 plus years of practicing. I was so excited...finally the news really having seeped it's way to my heart. I pick Olivia up, look her straight in the face and I say "baby, Jesus healed you!!!!" She looked at me, smiled and then wanted to get down and play. The moment passing for her, as if no big thing had just been said. The dr. said "you can call it supernatural if you want." I stopped him immediately, smiled and said "oh I will". Jesus healed our baby!" He rambled something off about coming back in a few years for a precautionary re-check...

By this point I had pretty much tuned him out, Jesus healed our baby and I was complaining about my parking space on the way in!! The Lord taught me a huge lesson that day, the Lord is not out to get me, to strike me around every corner, he loves me! Yes he does promise pain to shape and grow us more unto his likeness, but he is also a healer and a giver of grace! Wow, he continues to amaze me and teach me about himself. Thank-you Jesus for healing our baby girl!

All Wrapped Up

Today on the way home from speech therapy for Olivia, she was fussing in the car, mostly because she was way past due on her nap. She kept saying "ga-goo" her word for food (which I am continually correcting her about). Anywho...she is fussing for food so I reached for a lollipop we had received at the bank, still in it's wrapper, and I hand it to her. I wanted to avoid all the mess, and stickiness of unwrapping the lollipop for her, so I just handed it to her, wrapper and all. She stares at it for a few seconds, and then sticks it into her mouth, wrapper included. I knew we were close enough to home that she wouldn't be able to get it off before we got out. I felt so releaved that I had avoided another mess, and a whole lot of stickiness.

Then right before turning into my drive-way the Lord brought a thought to my mind that was very convicting. I felt the Holy Spirit impressing to me how often I try to avoid the "messiness" in other areas of my life by avoiding things like community and friendships because they can become sticky and not always be pleasant or fit into my little "box". I know this seems like a jump but the Lord has really been working on me about this... I groaned because I knew the Lord was right, and I knew I was going to have to do something with this conviction. So often in my life, I avoid situations where I know I will have to be vulnerable or reveal myself on a deeper level, this is my way of avoiding life's sticky moments. I try to keep my "shell" or "wrapper" about myself, so that I don't have to be truly transparent outside my own family. The Lord showed himself again to me in the smallest act of giving my child a lollipop with the wrapper still on.

So my prayer is that the Lord would bring times in my life where I can live out my repentance, and be truly vulnerable with others in his body. Community if done in the right way, is a beautiful thing and is very honoring to our Lord, it's a chance to show redemption, grace, and acceptance to others. As mothers, it is easy to get so caught up in the day to day that we forget the vital importance of friendships and community with others who might spur us on to a greater and fuller relationship with our Lord. We forget to be seeking out those opportunities to be mentored by "older" and wiser women (Titus 2). I don't want to live my life so inside my self and my own little world, that I forget to look-up and take the "wrapper off," to engage in life change through community, the way our God intended!

Hashimotos

Becoming a mother has changed me so deeply and in ways I never thought possible. One certain way it has changed me is the way I view life, and the preciousness of it! I was recently diagnosed with Thyroid disease, more properly known in the medical realm as Hashimotos. In other words, my Thyroid cannot seem to get it's act together and start working properly because in no uncertain terms, my body is attacking it! Hashimotos is an auto-immune disorder that I will have for the rest of my life. This runs in my family, so I was not totally surprised to find out about it, but nonetheless it made me stop and think. My body is tearing down, and starting the race towards finality. I have always been told as a child, and into adult-hood "life is a gift, don't waste it." How often do we stop and truly reflect on the truthfulness of the verses found in James 4:14 "Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." Any life I am given is so precious and a blessing!

So...Hashimotos has done a good thing for me! It's reiterated in my life that God knows what He is doing with me, he has it under-control! The way that he shapes us, draws us closer to him is many times in the pain he brings our way, the uncomfortable times, and the suffering we will experience in this life...that he has so gracious bestowed upon us.

A mothers reflection on Easter...

What a gorgeous Easter Sunday 2010! This is our first easter with two children and it made me reflect on how truly gracious the Lord has been to us these past few years. I was thinking in the car on the way home from church, how painful it must have been for Mary to have seen her first born hanging on a cross, a most horrible death. I tried to imagine the torn feelings she must have had as a mother to let him go, to not truly understanding. I also imagine she must have felt such overwhelming JOY three days later, knowing that he arose and conquered death!! What a roller coaster of emotions that week must have been, and I get cranky if my schedule is changed even a little bit.

How awesome! The Lord is victorious in every way! He turns our darkness into light, and guides our every step. I don't have to worry or stress, because he planned my steps before I ever took them.... I pray as a mother that I can convey these deep and precious truths to my children, and extend grace to them and to my husband as the Lord has so graciously done for me. This was a glorious day!